England’s heroes and villains

David ‘Calamity’ James

The 139-year-old (not a typo!) seems to have been around since Jules Rimet was still heading up Fifa. Some say he has aged like a vintage burgundy although I am sure there won’t be a single England fan who will not have their hearts, and pretty much every other vital internal organ, in their mouths whenever the ball goes anywhere near the crazy-haired afroman. He does seem evergreen however and although having a world-class keeper is desirable, having a pretty good one might be good enough, as long as he doesn’t have to catch, kick or punch the ball on a regular basis….

Glen ‘£18m – good buy Rafa’ Johnson

I don’t want to say I told you so but I always knew he couldn’t be taught how to defend and this lack of defensive awareness is almost certain to cost England at some stage. Many thought that the fat Spanish waiter could improve his defensive capabilities but alas, no luck. Call me old fashioned but I prefer a full back to be a good defender primarily and if he is good going forward then bonus, especially when you are playing against the best in the world.

However, if we get a bit of luck then Johnson might be able to cause more damage going forward than he does at the back. There is no doubt that he is a scintillating attacker at times and this may well be a nice outlet throughout the tournament and who knows, he may even score a sweet left footed curler…

John ‘I need redemption on so many levels’ Terry

Fine, he looked a bit shaky against the Japanese. Fine, he had a bit of a pop at Bridge’s missus. Fine, most people hate him. But, if England are to go far in this tournament, Terry is going to play a massive part. There is no denying that he is world class at his best and I feel he is at his most impressive when playing in pressure situations. His goal threat at dead balls is going to be important, especially in the tight games of which there are sure to be many, starting against the US on Saturday. And, who knows, he might even get a Stuart Pearce-type opportunity to quash his Moscow penalty demons…

Rio ‘The gag man’ Ferdinand

Don’t you just love Rio’s sense of humour – so witty at times. I sometimes wonder if he should have gone into a career in stand-up comedy rather than pro football…But, as his banter levels have ‘soared’, his solidity and calming influence at the back has vanished and now, it must be admitted, he is somewhat of a worry. I wish he had focused less on his budding career in Hollywood and more on keeping fit and well.

But the well-known mantra of form is temporary, class is permanent may well apply to the skipper. He used to be one of the best in the world so he could have been toying with us, waiting to wow us with his composure at this tournament. Either that or he has lost the plot, focused on his unbearable TV gaffe programmes and somehow emerged with the armband. In my opinion Ledley King should be starting as he has proved his fitness and his quality over the last month or two while Rio was getting out-muscled by a tiny Japanese striker the other day. Time will tell.

Ledley ‘Training is for wimps’ King

Well, time did tell. In the time it took me to write Rio’s profile, Bruno Heskey (the clumsy oaf who tackled Rio) proved that he was either a closet Spurs fan or a Spanish spy. My guess is the latter, hence his clever footwork, supreme balance and Torres-esque nose for a goal…Thanks Emile. I’m not joking either, Rio shouldn’t have been starting or skipper so although it is a blow, it is not as big a loss as everyone is saying, I hope.

King, if he can stand up, deserves to be starting, as he is one of our top two centre backs. He did look ominously laborious against Japan but then again, so did everyone. I am hoping that King could be one of the starts of the show, a true fairytale in the making. Barely played over the last three years, trained even less and still capable of making the squad and starting line-up – could be the stuff of legend…   

Ashley ‘I’m way too good for Cheryl anyway’ Cole

Why does everyone always say, ‘oh, Cheryl is well shot of him’? He may be at times a bit of a moron and his dilly-dallying with those texts was weird but who cares? He is the best left back in the world and to be frank, I couldn’t care less which candle he was dipping his wick in. I would say the same about JT although the difference there was that he was dipping his nib in the company ink, which is never the most productive option!

As a Chelsea fan I am bound to fight his corner but over the past two seasons he has been simply superb. His bombing runs are always a menace to the opposition and he has rediscovered his goal scoring touch this year. The difference between him and Johnson is that Shley also happens to be a quality defender. His last gasp tackles are pretty much always spot-on and he seems to be the best goal line clearance guy ever. He will be fundamental if we are going to challenge in South Africa as he is one of our few truly world-class players.

Gareth Capello

Oh, sorry, that was meant to say Gareth Barry but a bit of digging proved that Gary Barry is actually Don Fab’s illegitimate love child. He has played more times (20) under Capello than any other player despite not being available for the past couple of warm-ups. Don’t get me wrong, I rate Barry highly. He is composed, is a decent passer and is left footed which provides a nice change in the middle of the park. But, more importantly, he can break up the play well which in the modern game is arguably the most important position on the pitch.

But, he is, after Rooney, the second name on Capello’s team sheet which I think might be a bit much. He hasn’t exactly lit the world up at City and he is certainly not in the world-class category. This is going to be a real test to see if he is as good as Capello thinks he is. He will have to be disciplined as Frank Lampard will be pushing forward at every opportunity and so Barry cannot afford to be caught napping. He may even have some man marking to do at some stage, which will be a real challenge. There is one more plus, he is a decent penalty taker…

Frank ‘Why don’t you love me? Lampard

What needs to be said? He seems to have silenced his critics for now with his 27-goal haul for Chelsea this season. He has been the most consistent player in England over the past five years and maybe in the world. He is solid, dependable and at times explosive. However, you get the feeling that everyone is just waiting for him to crack and be able to say again, he is not as good as Gerrard which is now, based on last season, not true,

Hopefully, there will be no need for the discussion as the two finally man up and work together. They are both more mature, more experienced and hopefully, more prepared for the biggest test a top player can face – a long run in the World Cup.

Steven ‘What is Spanish for eerrm?’ Gerrard

Below par all year but undoubtedly, one of England’s world-class players. At his best he is capable of grabbing a game by the scruff of the neck and physically dragging his team over the line. This is a very useful characteristic to have in your armoury in a World Cup when one player can be the difference in the tight games.

The problem is that Gerrard has never really done this for England. I hope he was saving himself at Liverpool this year for South Africa. His tired displays are a worry but he has looked fairly lively in the warm-ups. Whether Capello will play him in his favoured libero role is debatable but if not, then he needs to grow up and stop whining about playing on the left. He can cut in as much as he likes as Ashley Cole will still provide width. All he is being asked to do is put his adaptability to good use. This could be his summer. A good tournament and he could get a massive money move to Real and Mourinho or it could be a what could have been affair. I am praying for the former….

Aaron ‘My hairdresser is Calamity James’ Lennon

Needs to be a threat if England are going to progress as we don’t have the most exciting of benches with the exception of Joe Cole. He is capable and despite not having too much other than pace in his locker, that is often enough. He not only has pace, he has serious gas. He needs to use it and have a big tournament to silence the waiting Walcott is better critics and after his growth over the past year or two at Spurs, he should be able to do it.

His delivery has improved significantly although it is still not stellar. He needs to be a goal threat too. He is the ultimate could go either way player. His debut at the World Cup in 2006 was scintillating at times when he came on for Becks, which suggests he enjoys the biggest stage. Lets hope he can keep on progressing….

Peter ‘I can’t believe my bird is that fit’ Crouch

I love this guy. For those of you who have seen Sky’s 50 Most Shocking World Cup Moments programme, you will understand when I say I preferred him before I saw that show but still, he is a quality bloke. He is also a real handful the majority of the time and is capable of both holding it up and scoring goals which is why he has overtaken Bruno Heskey in the probable starting line-up.

He must be the perfect guy to have in the team room as he has genuine banter and a brain unlike most of his colleagues. But, at the end of the day, nobody really cares about this if he doesn’t do the business on the pitch. I think Crouch can do a job for us, either in a starting role or a mix-up player from the bench. He might not get a chance to silence his critics who say he can’t do it against the bigger teams as Capello might well start Gerrard behind Rooney in these but if he does get the chance, I hope he can end those chirps as nobody deserves it more.

Wayne ‘The Schizophrenic’ Rooney

Wayne. I thought you had matured enough to stop throwing the toys out of the pram whenever the team were losing. The sight of him tearing around like a crazed loon when England were 1-0 down against Japan was frightening. I love the passion and it is half of what makes him the player he is but I had visions of him doing a Gazza, flying in two-footed into a reckless challenge and emerging with a broken leg. Imagine if he behaves like that in the World Cup again, like he did against Portugal in 2006, and gets injured or sent off. We would be so far up the creek without a paddle in sight. The expectation on the lad is harsh but part and parcel of being the best player in the country.

This World Cup may well be the defining moment of his career. He could go down as a legend, one of the greats, if he sparkles in South Africa. He could go be remembered as a complete psycho if he doesn’t get his temper under control.  He will handle the expectation well in my opinion, as long as his team mates rise to the occasion and begin playing somewhere near his standard. That is when he loses the plot, when his fellow players are not matching his passion. If the spirit is good, he will dominate. If the heads drop, he will get sent off. It could be that simple.

Other potential starters include Joe ‘Should I stay or should I go?’ Cole and James ‘Mr England U-21’ Milner…

Blue is the colour

The Premiership has been superb this season. There has been plenty of talk about how the league has been weaker than previous campaigns but I beg to differ. The top four may not have been quite as strong on paper than in years gone by but the rest of the league sides certainly have.

Just look at Tottenham. They have been excellent throughout and although it pains me to say it, probably deserve to get fourth and a shot at the Champions League.

But then again, had Man City or Aston Villa snagged that precious ticket to the world’s premier club cup tournament I would be saying exactly the same. All three of these teams have made some good signings, been pretty consistent in general and played some top football too. It has taken a ridiculously under-par effort from Liverpool and a cracking one from Spurs to change the order of things near the top of the Premiership but finally it looks as if the elite top four may have been broken up. For now at least.

Chelsea lift the Premiership title for the first time since 2006_47810281_chelsea466pa.jpg

At the top, Chelsea and Man Utd took the race to the final day of the season. This is good for the Premiership because if this league gets criticised for one thing it is for being too predictable. Granted, it didn’t take a genius to guess that these two clubs would be the ones fighting it out at the top but nobody can slag off the title race as having been boring.

Many people have said the top sides are not as good as some other recent ones such as Mourinho’s title winners or Man Utd’s Cristiano Ronaldo-led outfits but this doesn’t take into account the fact that the rest of the Premiership sides are stronger than ever and so winning weak in, weak out has been no walk in the park, even for Chelsea and United.

Now, as both Chelsea and United have discovered, just turning up at St Andrews, Ewood Park or Craven Cottage is no guarantee of three points.  That is why both the top two have lost six games apiece. But, despite this, Chelsea won this year’s title with a total of 86 points having bagged 103 goals in the process. Points wise this is more than United’s 1997, 1999 and Arsenal’s 1998 efforts while no top-flight side has scored more than 100 league goals since Spurs in 1963 so they can’t have been that bad.

Florent Malouda and Carlo Ancelotti celebrate the emphatic win over Wigan by hoisting aloft the Premiership trophy_47810282_ancelotti466ap.jpg

The biggest improvement has been the sides in mid-table. Could Fulham, Birmingham and Everton (in the second half of the season) have been any more impressive considering the strength of the teams above and around them? Birmingham’s run of 12 Premiership games without defeat from November to January is testament to this.

The league has been lit up by two individuals in particular in Messrs Rooney and Drogba. There have been the usual superb efforts from Fabregas, Lampard and Tevez to name a few. There have also been some stunning seasons from slightly less heralded players like Scott Parker, Ledley King (when he played), Joe Hart, Pepe Reina (who has almost singlehandedly kept Liverpool out of the relegation zone) and Bobby Zamora.  

Apart from Fulham’s superb effort in reaching the Europa League final, English clubs disappointed in Europe. This is seen as evidence that we have not been as strong as in recent years but again, there may be a counter-argument.

Chelsea came up against a very, very good Inter side led by the bombastic but pragmatic Jose Mourinho who proved too good over two legs and will probably go on to win the tournament.

Arsenal met Barcelona at a time when Messi looked like Pele, Maradona and Cruyff rolled into one while United bumped into Bayern who have themselves reached the final and look to be stronger than they have been for many years.

So, after dominating the tournament over the last few years the continental clubs finally sharpened up and showed the English what they are made of. We probably should have had at least one representative in the semis but it just goes to show that European football is not the stroll in the park for English clubs that people began to think – that is unless you are Roy ‘The Boy’ Hodgson!

I would normally think this was not such a good thing but in a World Cup year surely it can only benefit English football that our top players are not playing in such high profile matches so close to the start of the tournament and raising the possibility of injuries etc…Every four years I am more than happy to not see an English club in the final if it means that England can play like lions in the greatest tournament in the world.

To close, I want to congratulate Chelsea on their title win. To win a title is special wherever you are but to win 8-0 at home to win the trophy back is phenomenal. It probably should not have gone down to the final day but all the fretting was well worth it to be in West London when it all went down. To Wembley now. Que sera sera…

The Easter Festival of Sport

Hi guys, 

So finally I have got myself together and have been able to work my way around this word press blogging malarkey. As any of you who know me will be able to attest, I am about as skilled with technology as Derek Zoolander. But, what this website didn’t know was that I am a stubborn bugger and I have come out on top. This document is proof! 

Before we get on with the witty banter I am going to ask you to tell your friends about this blog. I will be writing it as regularly as possible, especially if something epic in the world of sport crops up but every Friday is a given. The more you tell your pals, the more hits I get. The more hits I get, the better the chance of getting paid for a writing job becomes and as soon as that happens the more chance you lot have of me buying you a drink in the pub so sort it out….!

Anyway, on to the more important stuff.

This time of year is always an absolute joy for sport lovers. They can enjoy ‘squeaky bum time’ as Sir Alex Ferguson so eloquently put it. They can immerse themselves in the crazy world of lower league football. They can begin to dream about World Cup glory in South Africa slash slate the moron that is Landon Donavon for jeopardising England and Chelsea’s quest for silverware by taking out Cashley Cole last week. 

It is also the time of year when Rugby dominates the back pages due to the Six Nations. The Guiness Premiership rumbles on and the brilliant competition that is the Heineken Cup enters the knock-out stages. 

The Winter Olympics have begun in Vancouver and I think the Men’s Downhill should be enjoyed by everyone. Check out Eurosport asap because it could be a cracker. 

Then you have the build-up to the Masters at Augusta, the Boat Race is not too far away and the world of National Hunt racing reaches its pinnacle with the Cheltenham Festival. 

It’s almost too much, I agree. However, if you show enough dedication, cut down your working hours and ditch your wife or girlfriend then you can watch it all.

Some people say hearing someone say I love you is the best thing a person can hear. It’s close but lets face it, hearing the dulcit tones of Martin Tyler scream FRANK LAMPARD SCORES or listening to the one and only Ian Robertson’s perfectly timed comment WILKINSON DROPS FOR WORLD CUP GLORY is far superior in every way!

Now you may be questioning my sanity at this point because I have not even touched on many people’s favourite competition – the Champions League but I though I should leave the best til last.

I don’t think there is much better than the knock-out stages of this gloriously frustrating competition. The group stages are a bit of a bore most years although it was amazingly enjoyable to watch Liverpool crash out at the first hurdle this year! But, the knock-out stages always throw up a spicy little meatball of an encounter and this year is no different.

Beckham returning to Manchester is getting a lot of hype and lets hope it can live up to it. I would love nothing more than for the great man to curl in a juicy free kick in to the top corner in front of the Stretford End. 

Mourinho coming back to Stamford Bridge is also something to look forward to. Who knows what the Special One will say in the build up to that. His current diplomatic silence could well be the calm before the storm and I fully expect mind games on the scale of Mike Brearley’s captaincy. 

So, nip out, grab yourself a six-pack of Kronies, whack a pizza in the oven and flick on Sky because Easter is not just the most important religious festival in the year, it is also the most brilliant festival of sport and you owe it to your creator to enjoy the next few months in full!